A satirical Classics column · Published fortnightly since 2023 Read the EssaysSubmit
Roman mosaic of the theatrical masks of Tragedy and Comedy, Thermae Decianae, Capitoline Museums
Cicero on the timeline · Aristotle on TikTok · Juvenal on your side hustle

Scrolls & Trolls

The ancients had opinions about all of this. We are just printing them.

Vol. IIINo. 41A column of classical mischief
Now Live: The Column Three full essays are posted in print. The self-published companion book is in production for 2026, and a serious-register Classics interview podcast, Pomerium, runs as the column's quieter sibling. See what is built and what is coming on the masthead page.
The Wager

Humor is the door that argument keeps slamming shut.

Scrolls & Trolls runs on one bet: you can disagree with a joke and still let it in. Each piece pairs an ancient text, Juvenal on the rich man's morning levee, the Odyssey on going home, a Homeric hymn on a very bad winter, with a modern absurdity it still explains. The Romans invented this move. We are just doing it with worse posture and better Wi-Fi.

AristophanesJuvenalLucianErasmusSwiftTwainMenckenhere
From the Archive

The Column

Selected pieces · 50+ in the full run
Essay · In Print

Cicero Would Have Loved Twitter, and It Would Have Destroyed Him

The first Roman to understand that being right and being liked are different jobs, and that you can lose your head doing both.

2026-04-18Source text: Cicero, In Catilinam I; Plutarch, Cicero 46-49
Essay · In Print

Juvenal Already Reviewed Your Hustle-Culture Morning Routine

5 a.m. cold plunge, gratitude journal, the great man's stairs. The satirist who watched clients line up for breakfast scraps has notes.

2026-03-21Source text: Juvenal, Satires 1, 3, 5; Martial, Epigrams
Essay · In Print

Aristotle Watches Forty Minutes of TikTok and Files a Report

A peer review of the For You page from the man who invented peer review. Findings: the algorithm has discovered akrasia and monetized it.

2026-02-14Source text: Aristotle, Nicomachean Ethics VII; Poetics
Parody · Listing

Cozy Labyrinth in the Heart of Crete, Hosted by Asterion

A one-of-a-kind underground stay. Vaulted ceilings throughout. A few guests mention difficulty locating the exit; the host notes this is part of the charm.

2026-01-30Source text: Ovid, Metamorphoses 8; Apollodorus, Library
Parody · Wrapped

Persephone's Spotify Wrapped

You streamed 96,480 minutes this year, top 0.01% globally. We do need to flag that 48,240 of them came from a location our servers can only identify as “below.”

2025-12-08Source text: Homeric Hymn to Demeter
Parody · Self-Diagnosis

My Heel Hurts: A Self-Diagnosis Journey, by Achilles

It started as a minor ache after Paris playfully shot me during the war. Then I opened the Symptom Checker. Medically reviewed by Chiron, M.D., C.T. (Centaur-Trained).

2025-11-15Source text: Statius, Achilleid; Iliad 22
Advice Column

Ask a Stoic: My Roommate Keeps Borrowing My Toga and the Universe Is Indifferent

Marcus Aurelius answers your letters with the warmth of a man journaling at 4 a.m. on campaign. Spoiler: the toga, like all things, is on loan from nature.

2025-10-22Source text: Marcus Aurelius, Meditations
Heritage Strand · Sinica et Classica

Catullus and Li Bai Walk Into a Bar and Both Leave a Poem About It

Two drinking poets, two dead languages, one identical hangover. On brevity, longing, and writing your worst night down so well it outlives you.

2025-09-19Source text: Catullus 5 & 51; Li Bai, "Drinking Alone Under the Moon"

The three "In Print" essays above are posted in full on The Essays. The parodies and shorter pieces are the column's running riffs; the strongest of the 50-plus published pieces are being gathered into the book.

The joke is not a break from the argument. The joke is the argument, smuggled past the part of you that was already standing up to fight about it.

The Wider Project

One Classicist, Three Registers

Comedy here · scholarship next door